So although everybody keeps telling me "But now you're single you can do anything you want!!" - I don't WANT to do ANYTHING!!  I realise how much of my life revolved around OH and his plans now... I have NOTHING in my diary bar work pretty much for the remainder of 2008?!!  What's that about??

xx

I've possibly sorted some rented accommodation in a house share with one other guy!!!  YAY!  He sounds normal too which is a bonus as most people on easyroom mate are a little weird!!

I accept that OH and I are wrong for eachother... I deserve to have been treated better and he deserves more... we both are better off.  So although it hurts, moving on is the best thing I can do :-)

Any tips???

I'm currently going through the ANGRY phase of the break up... that GIT is going to get on a plane tomorrow KNOWING full well I should be with him.  I don't think he should be going.  If I can't go, neither of us should go and we should BOTH lose our money.  Why should I lose the money because He broke up with ME?!  I didn't choose this?!  He should go in a month or so... not tomorrow, not on OUR holiday, not without me... :-(

I've spent the past 2 days trying to accept the fact that my year and a half relationship is over... and I'm destraught.

Why isn't love enough... why isn't wanting to be together enough... why is it that it HAS to be about the future... :-(

There's no actual logic or thought going into what I'm going to write now but here goes...

My relationship:
When I met HO I thought he was perfect.  He IS perfect.  He's an amazing guy that everybody loves but he's possibly not perfect for me... there you go, I've said it.  Even writing it down makes me feel guilty!!  Sometimes I think I'm imagining it, sometimes we ARE perfect for eachother and I imagine my whole life with him; sometimes I can't see him in my future.  I want to, but we're different.  He's still living a 'single' persons life.  Not in the sense that he goes out alot and drinks and parties etc, but I'm not in his plans.  We've been living together for 15 months and he won't buy a house with me.  He wants to buy a house.  Not with me.  He wants a 'development project' and I want a home.  I tried to compromise and suggested a project together... he NEEDS to do this alone he says.  I'm confused by the whole thing, I know he adores me, he just doesn't show it.  I crave the love and affection that I can give him but in return I get a lack of both.  He's often quite selfish and now I'm longing for a little more... is there such thing as the perfect relationship???

The last few weeks have been a daze...I feel as though I need to come out of my body and watch myself for a week to see what I need to do.  I'm overwhelmed by the changes in my life at the moment and need to take a step back... I need to stay grounded and I don't know how?!  How do I manage the change and feel positive about the future?!  I'm so confused... hope it's just hormones!

... Well I just read my last blog.  It was written in December 2006 when my whole life felt like it was one big dream.

... WATCH THIS SPACE because I AM BACK!

So blogging soon lost it's initial spark and I ended up with so much to say that I just stopped altogether!

L xxxxxx

Life is GOOD!  It's my birthday today and I am a spoilt cow!  OH - the loveliest guy on the planet had flowers delivered to my work for me (the workplace he shares with me!) and although I've only just found out they're from him (he didn't sign his name), I was secretly hoping all day!  They're gorgeous!  He's now given me half hour to decide what I want to do this evening and he's going to call me when he's finished work (workaholic, his only fault (although I love him for it!))... If I tell him what I really want to do (take him to bed and ravish him) I don't think he'll know what to do with himself and plus, saving that for Friday night at the hotel - so tonight, dinner it is I guess?

So tomorrow's my 22nd birthday.  I've been stupidly excited and counting the sleeps until this afternoon when all of a sudden I realise the quicker it comes around, the quicker it'll be over... SO... I'm going to make it last the full week!  Tomorrow night, my lovely OH is taking me out for dinner, Wednesday night, my best friend's taking me to the world music awards for my bday, Thursday night - baby shower round my other best friends house where she'll shower ME in gifts, Friday night - OH and I are staying in a hotel after a celebratory 7 course birthday meal at a fancy smancy restaurant as he can't come out for celebrations on Saturday, Sat night - the big piss up!  All my friends in one room drinking alcohol - aside from my new lover which is sad :-(... Sunday I'll be recovering so I'll accept at that point my birthdays gone for another year... which I hate!  On the other hand, it'll be nice to be past 21... it's that annoying age where everyone says "awww, you're only a baby!" - PISS OFF!!!!

Wish me a happy birthday!! :-)

Okay... OH and I are officially an item.  We're at that annoying lovey dovey stage where we never want to be apart and we're all over eachother in public... I HATE public displays of affection so I don't know what's happened to me!  I'm falling hard and fast for him but I don't care, I know Clares long gone now... I was even cool when they went to dinner on Friday night, because I know he's only got eyes for me, plus, he told me it was really awkward with Clare this time because he was worrying about me worrying and because there's nothing between them anymore.  LOVING this!!  Tuesday night it's my 22nd birthday, we'e going to stay in a hotel and then he's going to go to work on Wednesday and I'm going to go home to be with my mum for the day.  Work still don't know about us, neither do his friends or family but this is a joint choice.  I don't want people that know Clare assuming I had something to do with them breaking up so we're going to give it a while so the timing doesn't look so bad.  In the meantime, we're spending as much time together as possible and making everyone gag! YAY!  ... I really couldn't be happier!!