I am going to work as much as possible, pay off as much debt as possible and move into my own place towards the end of the year... it's all about saving saving saving.

Yes we are different and yes it's been difficult lately but I really wanted it to work and would have done anything.

I'm struggling to cope at the moment, moving back to a single room at my folks doesn't feel like home.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere and it hurts.

I want to work things out, he doesn't... typical.

Everybody keeps telling me things I already know: "It's his loss, he'll regret it, you WILL move on, you WILL get over this, you WILL love again and MORE" - I know all of these things but for now, I hurt like I've never hurt before.

On the positive side, I'm on the heartbreak diet.

On the negative side, I'm supposed to be going to New York with him on Wednesday and I won't be going.  Instead I have 2 more weeks of working in the same company as him with everybody knowing what's happened, on the verge of tears all the time and Wed-Mon is going to be so difficult when we should be on the plane together and we're not...

Work:
Got a new job, really exciting one with great prospects and package... but everybody thinks I've only been offered it as the MD wants to sleep with me.  Trying not to think the worst but being a generally attractive young blonde, it could be the case.  I just want an easy life.

Long to be loved and looked after, long to have a partner who worships me the way I can worship.  Who wants to see the world and isn't scared to live a little.  Who has enough money to look after themself and isn't tight.  Who treats me as the independant woman that I am, supports my dreams and ambitions but isn't afraid to take charge and look after me... sometimes I just want to be looked after.  Is he out there?!  Will I ever know?  Will I stay with HO... if he'd buy a home with me and settle down I think I would.  I adore him, I just don't know if we're too different.

Some things that have happened since that blog:

- My wonderful partner has been on a group holiday with his ex-girlfriend, pure trauma for me.

- I've been to Gran Canaria, Dominican Republic and San Francisco

- I quit my job 7.5 weeks ago

- I start a new job in 2 weeks

- I'm in a generally happy relationship although no longer 100% sure that my partner IS perfect, it's amazing what you think when you're in the honeymoon period!

- I've gained some amazing friends

- Lost some amazing friends

- Started a foundation degree for which I'm getting straight A's

- Booked some piano lessons even though I can neither afford them nor have ANY musical talent whatsoever

- Accrued another £4/£5k debt from my spending habit and useless 'consolidation' methods

- Had laser eye surgery for which I can thank my 20:20 vision!

... and yet on this day, the 14th March 2008, 15 months after my last blog - I felt the urge to start again.  I'm hoping that I can write about my feelings/thoughts and then not worry about them again.  For the purposes of this point forward, I will be known as only 'I' or 'me' and the people in my life will be recognised by initials.  My other half is HO and my best friend is TK...